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| A new experience every day. |
| 03.03.04 (2:29 am) [edit] |
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I can honestly say I experienced a truly unique encounter today. While sitting at a diner eating late-night breakfast with a friend, a man at an adjacent booth turned around and, well, the long and short of it is: he is a recruiter for the Ku Klux Klan, and wanted my friend and me to join, to which we responded honestly with, "Don't think you'd want us... we're both gay." After trying to make us both merely bisexual, he didn't even stop pitching his spiel after knowing that she and I both were gay. The amazing thing that almost brought me to tears as I drove home was that this klansman uses "biblical Christianity" to justify his racism and activism for white supremacy. Amazing. But not really surprising.
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| Miscellaneous Rantings |
| 02.26.04 (12:29 am) [edit] |
I tell myself to take things slowly, be patient, have faith; but faith is such a difficult thing to have when I sleep alone night after night.
Sunday night I met a real sweet boy at a gay club in a town about 35 miles from where I live, and we spent from 2 AM to 5 AM sitting in my truck talking. No moves were made, sex wasn't brought up even once. That impresses me - and I'm a very difficult guy to impress.
He came to town tonight to meet me at a club in the town where I live, and we spent the evening chit-chatting and exchanging glances - I wanted so badly to kiss him, but again, I kept telling myself, "If you really want to have a shot at a healthy, long-term relationship, you'll take things slowly - very slowly - until you know him for who he is and can determine 'what kind of guy he is.'"
In all things I seek Truth; and I do not believe Truth to be fleeting. Therefore, I am not looking for just another fuck or boyfriend, and I'm certainly not looking for someone to casually date (though I understand all good things are worth waiting for and must be nurtured in order to bloom). On the contrary, I'm looking for Truth: for a man with whom I can happily and healthily spend the rest of my life. This will be True Love, and this is what I seek.
And so tonight D_____ and I parted ways: he to his house, I to mine; and althought it hurt because something not so deep inside me desperately wanted him... somebody... anybody... to come home with me and sleep next to me, our bodies side-by-side.
But again, all good things are worth waiting on; and if he is Truly someone I want persue a relationship with, he is definitely worth dedicating thought, time and tears to.
And so I sleep alone tonight, but hopeful.
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| A couple of thoughts. |
| 02.25.04 (1:43 pm) [edit] |
With Bush now pushing for a federal amendment to restrict the rights of millions of Americans, here are a few thoughts to chew on:
Communism begins with one short phrase: "We are protecting the people from themselves."
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If we live honestly and with pride and conviction, lives, hearts, and minds will be changed; and all people will for once be able to live free to love without limits. Our world will be forever impacted if we will only step up and step out.
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When you frown, you steal from someone the opportunity to fall in love with your smile.
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Write Congress - Express your opposition to the Federal Marriage Amendment!
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| While waiting on my facial mask to dry... |
| 02.18.04 (2:22 am) [edit] |
As I sit to let my hydrating facial masque do its work, I'll type out for myself and the world a few of my thoughts from this evening.
The first, and most critical for me to get into writing is this:
Even the greatest day spent with the truest friends and most thrilling conversation cannot relieve the pain and anxiety of a single lonely night.
That sums up how I feel at this very moment: 4:15 AM, Wednesday, Feb. 18, 2004.
On a brighter note, my friend P____ wants to hook me up with her friend T_____. Normally I'm against friends hooking friends up; but I read in a book somewhere that our friends can often determine our compatibility with another more aptly than can we ourselves, because they are not blinded by infatuation or desperation as are we. So I'm going to give it a try. My friend M___ also wants me to meet an acquaintance of hers, whom she only knows from her local convenience station; but she insists that he's a real darling, and worth at least introducing myself to. I've seen the latter, and he's a real cutie; the former, I know only that P____ says he's cute. Not that looks are everything, but let's be pragmatic: if you can't look at the person, you have no business dating him. Can I get a witness?
Went out to eat with my sister and brother-in-law tonight, and was finally able to treat them as they've paid my check so many times. Then I spent some time at a hole-in-the-wall coffee shop in the bad part of town chatting it up with a new friend of mine, talking about love and love lost.
*sigh*
I feel like this right now -- :cry:
Whatever.
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| Le Manifesto de Bullshit |
| 02.09.04 (8:21 am) [edit] |
Wherever you are tonight, you rest with me. Let my manifesto begin.
Is there anyone out there for me? Someone who cares as much as I do? Am I the only gay man in the world who wants to fall in love once and for all, and would be content sharing literally the rest of my life with that man? Surely not!
Mr. Right has got to be out there - hasn't he?
So many questions, so few answers. How will I know you? Will we recognize each other? Are you praying for me and to find me? Love is a lonely place without you (Cher). Hell, life is a lonely experience without you - you who already exists.
I know Mimi would love you - and that you'd be welcome to lay here beside me on her bedroom floor and listen to Cher. More than any other conceivable notion, I want you for the moments.
Sharing. Sharing the moments of our lives - like this one - with each other. I want a travel companion for life's journey. You will be that one. Moreover, I'll be yours.
For now, however, there is no "us" - no "together." I'm alone with my prayers and these words.
02-09-04 / 3:00 AM
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| Commitment |
| 02.02.04 (1:26 am) [edit] |
I've found a song that summarizes my feelings on commitment. It's by Blessid Union of Souls, and the lyrics are as follow:
Won't you let me catch you fall?
Won't you let me lend a hand?
Those lonely eyes have seen it all...
Love's too blind to understand.
Cause you don't know what you have til your everything is gone,
you need someone to show you how to live again.
I wanna be there when you're feeling high,
I wanna be there when you wanna die;
I wanna light your fire, I gonna feed your flame
I wanna be there when you go insane.
I wanna be there when you're feeling down,
and I will be there when your head is spinnin' round.
I'm gonna be your lover, gonna be your friend;
I wanna be there til the end.
You wouldn't know that I was there,
'cause I have been there all the time;
and if I had my way, I'd hold you in my arms,
and leave this madness all behind.
'Cause you got so much to give,
but you throw it all away,
and all you have to show for who you are is pain.
And I got so much to give,
if you'd only let me in.
I'm gonna take the time to show you I'm a friend,
and you'll believe in love again.
I wanna be there in the pourin' rain,
I wanna be there when you call my name;
I'm gonna light your fire, I'm gonna feed your flame,
I wanna be there when you go insane.
I wanna be there when I'm out of town;
and when your whole damn world is crashin down,
gonna be your lover, gonna be your friend,
gonna be there 'til the end.
I wanna be there when your baby cries,
I wanna be there when they tell you lies;
I'm gonna light your fire, I'm gonna feed your flame,
I wanna be there when you go insane.
I wanna be there when your nights are long,
and when you're feeling like you don't belong;
gonna be your lover, gonna be your friend,
gonna be there 'til the end.
I'm gonna be there in the morning,
gonna be there in the night;
gonna be your lover, gonna be your friend,
gonna be there 'til the end.
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| New Link to Anti-Bush Site |
| 01.29.04 (7:49 pm) [edit] |
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Check out moveon.org, linked on the left, to read some "fair and balanced" information regarding Bush, and watch the adverts if you have time, too. They're unbelievably eye-opening.
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| An Untitled Poem |
| 01.28.04 (1:25 am) [edit] |
Written yesterday, January 27th, 2004, at IHOP in Tyler, Texas.
Dedicated to my friend Kristina, who is in a similar situation.
[LINE]
Perhaps you'll touch me,
perhaps not;
perhaps if I kiss you,
we'll find what we've sought.
Fear: fear of failure,
fear of success;
fear of connecting and of an 'us.'
But tonight I'll hold you
without labels or conditions
and well will we rest,
Waking to a new day.
Together.
Sort of.
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| Recently on Lifestyles of the Poor & Unemployed |
| 01.28.04 (1:20 am) [edit] |
Well, I'm not unemployed yet; but our new general manager is a flaming douchebag. Corporate changed our entire managerial staff, and things just aren't the same. About six of us are ready to quit... tomorrow! He made one of our staunchly butch, boys-don't-cry shift leaders shed tears tonight for a late ticket. The ticket was only 12 minutes old, though. Before our new GM, our ideal ticket time was under 8 minutes, 10 minutes if we're busy, not much more if we're being ambushed; but now, anything over 6 minutes is considered late. He's also insulted one of my girls up front (I'm a kitchen worker) and has taken over ALL management responsibilities, leaving the assistant managers suckin' their thumbs. Kitchen organization is also entirely different, so I really don't feel like I'm working for the same company that hired me.
On a more personal level, an acquaintance of mine, J___ and I sort of developed a thing together; but I'm scared shitless. He's a very thoughtful, spiritual and complex person, like I'm looking for; but has a lot of baggage right now - and I don't think a stable relationship can develop if one partner isn't stable. Relationships are built on foundations, not "baggage." But he's been staying in my bed (he's currently without a place to live), we've kissed and stuff... it's all been very nice, but all-in-all, I just don't get that feeling that he's the one I'm supposed to be with. 2% of me is still stuck on what David and I had in the first month, and I'm looking for someone who acts, and talks, and moves, and feels in my arms, the same as did David. Yeah, I cried last night when I had to admit that to myself. But J___ is certainly a step in the right direction. He's so sweet, and I just don't want to be responsible for anyone's broken heart. I know I can't let fear guide my path, but I shouldn't do things that don't [i]feel[/i] entirely right, either. I almost think I'm trying too hard to feel things for him that I really and truly don't. :?
Anyway, 8:30 comes early, so I'm off to bed.
Blessings to TigerGrrl and all who read this :-)
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| Very lonely tonight. |
| 01.22.04 (1:15 am) [edit] |
I'm very sad tonight. I dislike being single. All I wanted was to come home to someone - someone who loves me and would talk with me about my day and about his day, and drink a cup of coffee with me. That's what I want in a relationship: sharing. Why does it seem so few guys want that? What's wrong with stability? Security? Calm love?
Don't me wrong, the wild moments are fantastic! But I'd rather be in a relationship with someone who genuinely cares for me and puts for effort to maintain the relationship, and never have sex again; than be in an unhealthy, but sexually satisfying, relationship.
Of course, a healthy relationship will be both calm, secure, romantic and fiendishly sexual, hehe!
It's 3:10 AM, Thursday morning, I'm tired as hell, but don't want to go to bed - why? Because I don't want to go to bed alone, without telling somebody that I love him, giving him a good night kiss, and resting with him by my side. That's all I want, but nothing I can have.
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| Fabulous New Link |
| 01.21.04 (1:13 am) [edit] |
I finally relocated a site I found a couple of years ago. It's a hilarious journal of a man's dysfunctional relationship with his girlfriend.
Click the link on the left - "A man and his girlfriend."
It's long, but absolutely [b]hilarious[/b]! You won't regret wasting the time :wink:
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| Excellent Scripture! |
| 01.18.04 (1:14 am) [edit] |
"...in all things showing yourself to be a pattern of good works; in doctrine showing integrity, reverence, incorruptibility, sound speech that cannot be condemned, that one who is an opponent may be ashamed, having nothing evil to say of you."
Titus 2:7 & 8
"Sei du selbst ihnen ein Vorbild im Tun des Guten. Lehre die Wahrheit unverfälscht und mit gebührendem Ernst, in gesunden und unanfechtbaren Worten. Dan können unsere Gegner uns nichts Schlechtes nachsagen und müssen sich beschämt zurückziehen."
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| I reacted, oh well. |
| 01.17.04 (1:17 am) [edit] |
I just now read the comments David left on my blog a few posts down, and want the world to know precisely how I responded to him. The following is the email, exactly as he will receive it:
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I just now read your comments on my weblog (from 01/07). Thanks for the "clarification." And you made it impossible for us to stay friends long before I started "bashing" you on my blog - you left me no choice but to remember you as a total and complete liar. Everything went to total shit because you can't follow through with anything you fucking say. And somehow everything is supposed to be my fault, when all I ever did was believe that you were a man of your word. If you'd dedicate a little thought to the matter, you'd understand how completely logical my thoughts and interpretations are. And I make no secret of the fact that I talk to people about my life and things that impact it. In short, you're the shithead, and I washed my hands of you long ago - that I was lied to, used and thrown away. I'm cool with that because I know precisely who I am. I also, however, have an understanding of how the past impacts every moment that follows and am mature enough to confront situations, events, and feelings rather than run from them.
And just to clarify something for you: I am not the one who's stuck in high school, treats people like commodities and can't muster up the initiative to make my life and myself better. Look at our lives side-by-side, and it's plain to see that I am not the loser.
Lastly, I neither expect nor do I want a reply from you. Oh, and not to worry: this will be the last email you ever get from me. Cherish it or delete it.
Have a nice life. Don't catch anything.
Curtis
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That certainly does end [i]that[/i] chapter of my life, now doesn't it?! Oh well, I'm better now and know it.
I [i]was[/i] gonna put on some Celine Dion, type a bunch of sappy shit about how lonely I am, have a good cry, and go to sleep; but now I'm too riled. Looks like I'll be taking this muscle relaxer someone gave me before I go to bed, haha...
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| Funny images. |
| 01.14.04 (2:21 am) [edit] |
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[image]chftx20_852741486.jpg[/image] [image]chftx20_945803931.jpg[/image] [image]chftx20_829332182.jpg[/image] [image]chftx20_337220463.jpg[/image] [image]chftx20_12197010.gif[/image]
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| Crayzee! |
| 01.12.04 (10:55 pm) [edit] |
Well, things seem to be going faster and faster; and I truly hope that life isn't spinning out-of-control toward some impossible climax. At the very least, I can honestly say that I believe life is getting better, financially, socially, and academically speaking...
Tomorrow is my first day of class for the spring 2004 semester; and next week will be the first meeting of my university's gay & lesbian student organization, which I founded.
I'm taking Cognitive Psychology, Intercultural Studies, International Relations and U.S. History. Blah. I'm actually fairly psyched! It's a nice schedule. And I've gotta work my booty off to get my GPA up! :wink:
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| The Saving Power of Standards |
| 01.08.04 (7:50 pm) [edit] |
It seems my standards have saved my life. Normally, I don't listen to gossip; but when it has the potential to involve me, I absorb all the information I can. And a few days ago I was chatting with a decently close friend of mine who knows of M____ (my fling for the past few days), and it seems that one of M____'s past partners is dying even as I type and you read. You get two guesses as to what is killing him.
No, it's not the chicken pox. It's AIDS.
Well, perhaps not full-blown AIDS; but he is apparantly infected with HIV.
Therefore, M____ has been exposed to and is possibly infected with HIV, as well. And had it not been for my standard of sex=an expression of love, I would now have been exposed to and possibly infected with HIV, too.
Moral of the story? Stick to your standards and they could prevent you from getting burned!
God is definitely watchful over his/her children.
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| A first date. |
| 01.03.04 (11:45 pm) [edit] |
My date with M____ went well. He's certainly a different type of guy than I've ever dated before, but a sweetheart nonetheless. We went out to eat, then to see a movie, but there were none showing... so we met some friends of his at Bennigan's, then he stayed the night with me. It was so cute - on the way from Bennigan's, he asked "I don't know how to ask this, but I'd like to make out with you for a while, if that's okay?" So we did, and even though we established "first date" rules, one thing led to another and we soon found ourselves on the brink of, well... you know what! But he must've sensed something, because he asked "What's wrong?"
"I don't want to have sex."
"Why?"
"Because I don't love you..."
"Wow, there are still people like you in the world?!"
But he continued to be very sweet and, above all, he respected me. I asked if he was mad at me, to which he replied "No..." then he asked if I was mad at him, to which I responded, "I can't be mad at someone who respects me."
Definitely not boyfriend potential, but it was nice to go on a quiet date and share my bed with someone sweet and cute. It's a move in the right direction - away from David. Away from letting my past with him direct my life and thoughts.
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| Entry for Thursday, Dec. 1st |
| 01.03.04 (11:36 pm) [edit] |
Okay, two fabulous things happened tonight! Of course, I'm at IHOP with a couple of friends... we're chatting, sitting at a booth in smoking, when I look to my right and who do I see? David. He (and his entourage, I'm sure) are following the hostess to be seated at the only available table in smoking, directly across sideways from us, when he notices me, turns around, and leaves. Nope, they don't just ask to be reseated in nonsmoking, they LEAVE. VICTORY - I WIN THE TURF WAR!! Then, next fabulous occurance happens a couple hours later. There's this tall, blonde guy, sitting with three of his girlfriends, obviously gay - satin windpants, Von Dutch T-shirt, Louis Vuitton shoulder-bag - whom I'd noticed eating at my place of employment one or two days earlier. He leaves, and one of the IHOP girls comes up to me, sits down, and hands me this note handwritten on a napkin, "You are too fine for words. XOXO, M_____, ###-###-####" I proceed to squeel like a little girl (literally - I shit you not!) and dance for joy! VICTORY - I WIN... AGAIN!!!
So, this night (morning) has been rather enjoyable - two events transpired which made me smile with glee!! hehehehe...
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| Love Deeply |
| 12.31.03 (4:00 am) [edit] |
Love Deeply
by Henri J. M. Nouwen
For all my tblogging cohorts as we embark on the journey of 2004.
Do not hesitate to love and to love deeply. You might be afraid of the pain that deep love can cause. When those you love deeply reject you, leave you, or die, your heart will be broken. But that should not hold you back from loving deeply. The pain that comes from deep love makes your love ever more fruitful. It is like a plow that breaks the ground to allow the seed to take root and grow into a strong plant. Every time you experience the pain of rejection, absence, or death, you are faced with a choice. You can become bitter and decide not to love again, or you can stand straight in your pain and let the soil on which you stand become richer and more able to give life to new seeds.
The more you have loved and have allowed yourself to suffer because of your love, the more you will be able to let your heart grow wider and deeper. When your love is truly giving and receiving, those whom you love will not leave your heart even when they depart from you. They will become part of your self and thus gradually build a community within you.
Those you have deeply loved become part of you. The longer you live, there will always be more people to be loved by you and to become part of your inner community. The wider your inner community becomes, the more easily you will recognize your own brothers and sisters in the strangers around you. Those who are alive within you will recognize those who are alive around you. The wider the community of your heart, the wider the community around you. Thus the pain of rejection, absence, and death can become fruitful. Yes, as you love deeply the ground of your heart will be broken more and more, but you will rejoice in the abundance of the fruit it will bear.
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| A.D. 2003 Comes to an end |
| 12.31.03 (3:45 am) [edit] |
I've only been blogging here for a few days now, so I'll not formally end 2003 in a beautiful, closing entry (see TigerGrrl for a year-end blog worth reading). I'll simply recap my evening and communicate a few feelings.
Went to IHOP with Mimi, who is quickly becoming my best friend. We spent all evening asking each other questions... some humorous, some intellectual, some emotional... It's amazing how much a person will open up if you just [i]ask[/i].
She left me with another fantastic quote:
"No man is worth your tears, and the one who is won't make you cry."
And I don't typically make New Year's resolutions, but mine is to not give up until I find the guy who'll dream of me as much as I'll dream of him - whose dreams and fantasies I fulfill as completely as he'll fulfill mine. This may not happen in 2004, though it's just as likely as it is unlikely. It's out of my hands and in the hands of One who is much more capable of orchestrating Life than me.
I asked Mimi what was the single sappiest, pathetically romantic dream of hers... My answer is: my lover and I holding each other, listening to "These Are The Moments," both of us in tears because we are so truly, inexplicably, permanently in love with each other.
Those are tears I long to shed. :oops:
Wishing everyone well,
Curtis
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| Live Patiently with the "Not Yet" |
| 12.30.03 (4:35 am) [edit] |
Live Patiently with the "Not Yet"
by Henri J. M. Nouwen
A part of you was left behind very early in your life: the part that never felt completely received. It is full of fears. Meanwhile, you grew up with many survival skills. But you want your self to be one. So you have to bring home the part of you that was left behind. That is not easy, because you have become quite a formidable person, and your fearful part does not know if it can safely dwell with you. Your grown-up self has to become very childlike - hospitable, gentle, and caring - so your anxious self can return and feel safe.
You complain that it is hard for you to pray, to experience the love of Jesus. but Jesus dwells in your fearful, never fully received self. When you befriend your true self and discover that it is good and beautiful, you will see Jesus there. Where you are most human, most yourself, weakest, there Jesus lives. Bringing your fearful self home is bringing Jesus home.
As long as your vulnerable self does feel welcomed by you, it keeps so distant that it cannot show you its true beauty and wisdom. Thus, you survive without really living.
Try to keep your small, fearful self close to you. This is going to be a struggle, because you have to live for a while with the "not yet." Your deepest, truest self is not yet home. It quickly gets scared. Since your intimate self does not feel safe with you, it continues to look for others, especially those who offer it some real, though temporary, consolation. But when you become more childlike, it will no longer feel the need to dwell elsewhere. It will begin to look to [i]you[/i] as home.
Be patient. When you feel lonely, stay with your loneliness. Avoid the temptation to let your fearful self run off. Let it teach you its wisdom; let it tell you that you can live instead of just surviving. Gradually you will become one, and you will find that Jesus is living in your heart and offering you all you need.
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| Bitterness & Spite |
| 12.29.03 (9:16 pm) [edit] |
I wrote David a long, bitter email last night; and he wrote a short, defensive, angry reply. I feel bad for having been so shitty to him, but I hope he pays attention to the advice and messages I was trying to convey.
If you pay attention, you'll notice that I removed a previous entry. I thought "What good is this entry doing? None." So I decided to remove it. I don't want the bitterness to linger.
I had the realization today that David wasn't, isn't and never will be "the one" for me. So it's time to stop letting him dominate my thoughts and mooove onnn...
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| Strangers make the best conversationalists. |
| 12.29.03 (1:46 am) [edit] |
Went to IHOP again this evening, all by myself, and ended up sitting with three total strangers, discussing religion, society, spirituality, relationships and sexuality. Sometimes strangers make the best conversationalists! They were some truly enlightened people, confident free-thinkers. The type you only meet at IHOP at 2 AM! LOL...
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| Set Boundaries to Your Love |
| 12.28.03 (10:17 pm) [edit] |
Set Boundaries to Your Love
by Henri J. M. Nouwen
When people show you their boundaries ("I can't do this for you"), you feel rejected. You cannot accept the fact that others are unable to do for you all that you expect from them. You desire boundless love, boundless care, boundless giving.
Part of your struggle is to set boundaries to your own love - something you have never done. You give whatever people ask of you, and when they ask for more, you give more, until you find yourself exhausted, used, and manipulated. Only when you are able to set your own boundaries will you be able to acknowledge, respect, and even be grateful for the boundaries of others.
In the presence of the people you love, your needs grow and grow, until those people are so overwhelmed by your needs that they are practically forced to leave you for their own survival.
The great task is to claim yourself for yourself, so that you can contain your needs within the boundaries of yourself and hold them in the presence of those you love. True mutuality in love requires people who possess themselves and who can give to each other while holding on to their own identities. So, in order both to give more effectively and to be more self-contained with your needs, you must learn to set boundaries to your love.
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| An open letter |
| 12.28.03 (9:26 pm) [edit] |
An open letter to my exboyfriend.
I realized this evening part of what your problem is: you're still living in high school. You haven't yet realized that [i]now[/i] is the time you've been preparing for. [i]This[/i] is real life. You must learn that your decisions have [i]real[/i] consequences, people have [i]real[/i] value, and relationships have [i]real[/i] purposes and responsibilities.
Once you understand this, you'll be able to take personal responsibility for your actions. You blame all your problems on everyone else, which may work in childhood, but the [i]real[/i] world doesn't work that way.
I still can't believe you blame me for your getting fired. Yes, I was at your house until 3 AM the night we broke up, and yeah, you did have to work the next morning; but you do what you gotta do, not because you want to or because it feels good, but because it's your responsibility.
You think a job is going to fix all your problems, but if that were true, your problems would be fixed by now. You've had, what? nine jobs in the last six to nine months... gotten fired from most of them... Obviously, a job is not going to fix your problems. Seems to me your problems are [i]within[/i] you, not around you.
Eventually, you'll experience the epiphany that [b]now[/b] you are living in [i]real[/i] life. No longer must you say "someday, in the future..." "when I grow up..." because [b]now[/b] [i]is[/i] the future, [b]now[/b] you [i]are[/i] grown up.
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